Revealing one of the darkest secret to the BFF and I let out a sigh of relief. A burden lifted from the shoulders, someone finally understands why I am who I am today.
Thanks Kakak, for listening. The tight hug and scolding for not revealing to you all these years gave me the reassurance I needed that I'm not alone going through this torturous journey.
Hoping that one day will come when I'm able to practice the teachings of the Buddha and learn to forgive.
Wishing for that one day, hand in hand, we will be strolling along Yarra River, enjoying the night view of Melbourne's skyline. Something I've always wished to do.
Night view of Melbourne skyline along Yarra River. Taken in Feb'13.
Every corner in Aunt Mary's house I see the memories we had together.
In the living room, I recall the days when you would sit on the lazy chair while I work beside you; The days when we lied to you that it was meat soup instead of fish essence since you dislike the smell of fish; The days when you would doze off while watching television; The days when you didn't want to take any food anymore; The nights you waited for us to bring you upstairs for shower and sleep.
In the kitchen, I recall the afternoons which we dine together laughing away with all the delicious food brought back by Uncle Thiam.
In the room downstairs, I recall the last nights we spent together. A small room packed with You, all your five daughters and me; The day Aunt Mary inserted the NT tube and you struggled to push her away although you were already so weak and the amount of black liquid extracted from your stomach; The days and nights you were on drip up to the point you asked if we could stop putting you on drip as your hands were swollen from the drips; The moments which we had to put You on the chair to bring you in the toilet for shower; The day when the nuns came to chant the last rituals and your children all gathering together for the first time since you were diagnosed with the C; The last day of your life when I was supposed to be back in Penang but didn't make it because of work commitments, which I regret so much till today.
The stairs, I recall the last few times which we had to give you support to reach upstairs both on the front and back in case you could no longer make it and the time when you could no longer climb and we had to bring you up on a chair.
Su Lin's room, when you spent the days when you were on drip in the first few months after you were diagnosed; The day when you were so active and talkative which gave us hope but at the same time aware that these days were really once in a blue moon thing. The days when we had to force you to wake up and put on makeup for you and you seem happier; The nights when we showered you and put you to bed and you would give us a smile that would warm our hearts all over again; The nights when you woke up to go to the toilet but was reluctant to wake us up so that we could have a good nights sleep and ultimately had to wake us up in the last few months as you could no longer bring yourself up to go by your own; The day when we had to pick a few sets of your clothes to bring to the funeral for the funeral ceremonies and the heartbreaking part when the daughter in laws cut the pockets as it was a myth so that you won't bring along all the fortune with you.
Amma, I really wonder where you are now. Did you manage to achieve Nirvana? Do you still come back to visit us often? Was it really you who visited us in our dreams or was it the 日有所思，夜有所梦? I miss the times we spent together so much, so badly. I regret not spending more time with you so much.
Amma, I really hope that you are in a much better place with no sufferings anymore. If given a chance again, I will still want to be your granddaughter. I just want you to know that you are the best granny one can ever ask for. I love you, Amma.
Amma, finally I'll be going to visit you again. I guess I'll start crying all over again on Monday. I hope I won't be crying on Tuesday when it happens. One part of me hope it won't because that will mean you are in a better place, but another part of me really wants to hear from you. Still missing you so dearly although its more than 10 months since you left us... Visit me in my dreams tonight, will you?
Feeling much better after a few days. I guess I shouldn't say I hate you in my previous post, instead I should have said I was disappointed.
I'm thankful I attended the Mindful Gym course in June which helped me to cope with my feelings this few days. Practicing with the 3G Gratitude Cards and Yeah-Yahoo Cards made me appreciate and feel grateful for what I have today. I guess the blues are gone. :)
Drifting in and out memories and thoughts, I'm grateful that you were one of those that always listen to me complain my problems and at the same time console me when I was upset. Thanks for being there when I needed someone to listen. From the bottom of my heart, I'm grateful to have you as a friend. :)
Glad to know that you are off medicine, hopefully you will fully recover soon.
Practicing on a daily basis this week what Bhante Sujata taught last week. Reminding myself and wishing you and all others the same.
May we be well;
May we be happy;
May we be in peace.
An additional line for you, May you be blessed with good health.
All the while I've expected this day to come, but what I felt upsetting most was why would you still want to play around with my feelings then? Would you stand in my shoes for once and think how I feel?
It wasn't easy to come to this stage and not look back into the past which hurt me so much and still sends chills down my spine when I think about it. Why would you want to cross the line again? I'm not a doll with no feelings. As much as I felt annoyed that day I just told myself to just ignore what you did and continue to be friends, but coming to know that, I'm so upset I feel like just blocking you out of my life.
I hate you for what you have did. I know I shouldn't think this way, but sometimes, I wish you will taste this bitter medicine yourself one day.
Saw the email from Emirates today and tickets to Melbourne is selling from RM1.7k. Had an urge to book a return ticket and hide myself there for a month.
I miss winter in Melbourne, so much. The nights I used to hide in my cosy apartment with a bag of chips, TVB series, the small heater fan, flannel socks... Life was so good back then except I was always homesick.
I miss walking to uni every morning, taking deep breathes of the fresh cold air, seeing how the colour of the maple tree changed from green to red till all the leaves dropped signaling autumn was coming to an end.
I miss doing groceries alone at Safeway (now known as Woolworths), going down the aisles one by one, taking my own sweet time to do my groceries. How I miss the bacon flavoured chips which only appears on the shelves once a year and going at a sale of AUD$2 per bag.
I miss listening to the sound of the tram running on the tracks, especially the older trams. I miss sitting on the tram when the cold wind rushes in whenever the doors spring open. I miss taking the train down to Boxhill to visit Aunty Jane and listen to her talk bout her stories.
I miss eating Fredo's durian and roche ice cream especially during winter. I miss the salmon onigiri sold in Union House. I miss the chicken giblets from Joomak when Win introduced to me when I went to Melbourne this year.
I miss all the alone time, so much. If given another chance, I will definitely appreciate it better.
Melbourne, when will I be back again?
Taken on Swanston St during my visit in January 2013.
Guys, appreciate who you have. Do not regret only when she leaves you.
Let Her Go - Passenger
Well you only need the light when it's burning low Only miss the sun when it starts to snow Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low Only hate the road when you're missin' home Only know you love her when you let her go And you let her go
Staring at the bottom of your glass Hoping one day you'll make a dream last But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes Maybe one day you'll understand why Everything you touch surely dies
But you only need the light when it's burning low Only miss the sun when it starts to snow Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low Only hate the road when you're missin' home Only know you love her when you let her go
Staring at the ceiling in the dark Same old empty feeling in your heart 'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep But never to touch and never to keep 'Cause you loved her too much And you dived too deep
Well you only need the light when it's burning low Only miss the sun when it starts to snow Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low Only hate the road when you're missin' home Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go And you let her go Well you let her go
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low Only miss the sun when it starts to snow Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low Only hate the road when you're missin' home Only know you love her when you let her go
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low Only miss the sun when it starts to snow Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low Only hate the road when you're missin' home Only know you love her when you let her go
When was the last time we had such a big fight like today?
I may have used the wrong words to express what I wanted to say which has caused the pain in both of us now. There is no use arguing now as words said can no longer be taken back.
Since you came back from Melbourne I've been trying to keep cool so that I will not say the wrong thing but with the frequency of the black faces you had been putting up lately, I totally loss all of my chill-ness, cool-ness etc this afternoon. If you need your personal space, just tell me you don't feel like talking then I'll stay away, but not just keeping mute and making me guess what you're angry/pissed/upset with. I'm so tired of guessing and taking in whatever you are putting up with. I totally understand the need of personal space as I myself will sometimes lock myself in my room till I feel much better.
To me, you're not a burden, but my dearest sister. It is heartbreaking to know that you think that you're a burden to me, which this has never cross my mind. I am lost for words. I guess we need time to calm down for now.
Win, May you be well and be happy;
Win, May you be able to get through all your papers from now on;
Win, May the tummy aches you often have gets lesser by the day;
Win, May you find the ultimate freedom you have always wanted;
Win, May you be blessed with all the good things.
I hope you keep in mind that end of the day no matter what happens, I'll always be there for you.
Had been quite awhile since I felt so down. Month end closing started and I had been down with gastric/colic and the pain comes n goes. Hopefully its not turning for the worst though. Started to feel blunt pains when I swallowed water this evening.
Whenever the pain comes and goes, I ask myself how did Amma manage to get through till the final stage of stomach cancer without complaining at all... It was only during the last few days of her life when she did sigh slightly louder than usual and aunt got her the morphine stick ons. I wonder if I will ever learn to accept physical sufferings in a better manner in this life like Amma.
Was almost at the brink of breaking down this evening when I was so tired from work and at the same time missing Amma. Seriously, I just wished I listened to the doctor and took a rest at home instead today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.
Every single time after we have an argument, the gap between us grows wider. It doesn't matter how much effort I put in to pull us back closer, there will always be something which will pull us apart again. I'm tired of giving in all this while. I miss the good times we had together, sharing with you whatever that came into my head and the hugs. I used to feel secured being around you, but when did I start to feel that you are a ticking bomb, ready to explode any time and beginning to stay away from you...? After our last argument, I have quite decided that if you ever mention it again, I will do it. If you will feel happier, I will do it, for the sake of you, even if it will break me into a thousand pieces...
I dislike it most on nights like this when I'm both physically and mentally tired but my body somehow refuses to fall into deep sleep. It has been years since I slept soundly naturally without the help of medications, be it the muscle relaxants or mild sleeping pills given by the panel doctor.
It happened again tonight while driving home, memories of Amma came flooding and I started tearing again. I can still recall Amma's face clearly after she was laid into the casket. During the five days, deep in my heart I was screaming and hoping Amma would open her eyes and come back to life... I couldn't accept it that Amma had left us...
Five and a half months has since past. The pain of losing my beloved grandmother don't seem to cease and it aches me constantly whenever I recall the times we had together, no matter she was still healthy or her last nights when she would open her eyes and her pupils dilated looking right behind us during midnight...
Amma, will you visit me in my dreams again soon..? I really miss hearing your snores beside me which made me feel secured knowing you were still with us... I miss putting on makeup for you and seeing you smiling happily after that... I miss you telling us about your funny stories and laughing happily... I miss every moment we spent together... I sincerely hope you are at a much better place now... Missing you always...
Being the eldest in the family, I have no choice but learn to be independent in most ways and at the same time learn to take care of my siblings. If I had a choice, I would rather be the one taken care of...
Mum commented that luckily I was there to help An get through all the procedures after the accident, and my eyes became watery upon hearing that. Being the eldest among us, I always have the thinking that my family will be my priority over everything, including my career, and this explains why I did not bother to apply for the Australian PR upon graduation up till now. Recalling the incident that day, my head was blank at one point of time and I was trembling throughout the whole evening.
Pey commented before that I've quite a matured thinking for some aspects. I would like to say, growing in the Tee family, we have no choice, but to learn to. Dad had been strict in bringing us up, and I am thankful that he brought us up the way he did. However, if only we were given slightly more freedom, I would think things would be much better and we would be a happier family...
