Anything to Cure the Pain?

Every corner in Aunt Mary's house I see the memories we had together.

In the living room, I recall the days when you would sit on the lazy chair while I work beside you; The days when we lied to you that it was meat soup instead of fish essence since you dislike the smell of fish; The days when you would doze off while watching television; The days when you didn't want to take any food anymore; The nights you waited for us to bring you upstairs for shower and sleep.

In the kitchen, I recall the afternoons which we dine together laughing away with all the delicious food brought back by Uncle Thiam.

In the room downstairs, I recall the last nights we spent together. A small room packed with You, all your five daughters and me; The day Aunt Mary inserted the NT tube and you struggled to push her away although you were already so weak and the amount of black liquid extracted from your stomach; The days and nights you were on drip up to the point you asked if we could stop putting you on drip as your hands were swollen from the drips; The moments which we had to put You on the chair to bring you in the toilet for shower; The day when the nuns came to chant the last rituals and your children all gathering together for the first time since you were diagnosed with the C; The last day of your life when I was supposed to be back in Penang but didn't make it because of work commitments, which I regret so much till today.

The stairs, I recall the last few times which we had to give you support to reach upstairs both on the front and back in case you could no longer make it and the time when you could no longer climb and we had to bring you up on a chair.

Su Lin's room, when you spent the days when you were on drip in the first few months after you were diagnosed; The day when you were so active and talkative which gave us hope but at the same time aware that these days were really once in a blue moon thing. The days when we had to force you to wake up and put on makeup for you and you seem happier; The nights when we showered you and put you to bed and you would give us a smile that would warm our hearts all over again; The nights when you woke up to go to the toilet but was reluctant to wake us up so that we could have a good nights sleep and ultimately had to wake us up in the last few months as you could no longer bring yourself up to go by your own; The day when we had to pick a few sets of your clothes to bring to the funeral for the funeral ceremonies and the heartbreaking part when the daughter in laws cut the pockets as it was a myth so that you won't bring along all the fortune with you.

Amma, I really wonder where you are now. Did you manage to achieve Nirvana? Do you still come back to visit us often? Was it really you who visited us in our dreams or was it the 日有所思，夜有所梦? I miss the times we spent together so much, so badly. I regret not spending more time with you so much.

Amma, I really hope that you are in a much better place with no sufferings anymore. If given a chance again, I will still want to be your granddaughter. I just want you to know that you are the best granny one can ever ask for. I love you, Amma.