Love? Ticking Bomb?

Every single time after we have an argument, the gap between us grows wider. It doesn't matter how much effort I put in to pull us back closer, there will always be something which will pull us apart again. I'm tired of giving in all this while. I miss the good times we had together, sharing with you whatever that came into my head and the hugs. I used to feel secured being around you, but when did I start to feel that you are a ticking bomb, ready to explode any time and beginning to stay away from you...? After our last argument, I have quite decided that if you ever mention it again, I will do it. If you will feel happier, I will do it, for the sake of you, even if it will break me into a thousand pieces...

Midnight

I dislike it most on nights like this when I'm both physically and mentally tired but my body somehow refuses to fall into deep sleep. It has been years since I slept soundly naturally without the help of medications, be it the muscle relaxants or mild sleeping pills given by the panel doctor.

It happened again tonight while driving home, memories of Amma came flooding and I started tearing again. I can still recall Amma's face clearly after she was laid into the casket. During the five days, deep in my heart I was screaming and hoping Amma would open her eyes and come back to life... I couldn't accept it that Amma had left us...

Five and a half months has since past. The pain of losing my beloved grandmother don't seem to cease and it aches me constantly whenever I recall the times we had together, no matter she was still healthy or her last nights when she would open her eyes and her pupils dilated looking right behind us during midnight...

Amma, will you visit me in my dreams again soon..? I really miss hearing your snores beside me which made me feel secured knowing you were still with us... I miss putting on makeup for you and seeing you smiling happily after that... I miss you telling us about your funny stories and laughing happily... I miss every moment we spent together... I sincerely hope you are at a much better place now... Missing you always...