一年了吗?

转眼间阿嬤离开我们一年了。

感觉上仿佛阿嬤刚刚离开,心里的痛一直都没有减少。每天提醒自己要放下,朋友也劝我要学会放下,但就是固执的放不下。尤其是在21日当天更是对公司讨厌到了极点。我憎恨这一份工作让我失去了陪伴阿嬤走她生命中的最后一程。如果不是因为deadline被提前了一个星期,我就不会留下遗憾了。

那遗憾让我在多少个夜里流着泪入眠。那遗憾所带来的痛让我失控的狂踩油门。那遗憾让我一次又一次的责问自己那么拼命为了工作是为了什么?那遗憾将永远烙印在我的心中。

放下,真有那么容易吗?有谁可以告诉我怎样才可以放下那遗憾,放下对阿嬤的思念,放下人人都必须面对"死别"的痛。。?

Missing Amma

Had been quite awhile since I felt so down. Month end closing started and I had been down with gastric/colic and the pain comes n goes. Hopefully its not turning for the worst though. Started to feel blunt pains when I swallowed water this evening.
Whenever the pain comes and goes, I ask myself how did Amma manage to get through till the final stage of stomach cancer without complaining at all... It was only during the last few days of her life when she did sigh slightly louder than usual and aunt got her the morphine stick ons. I wonder if I will ever learn to accept physical sufferings in a better manner in this life like Amma.
Was almost at the brink of breaking down this evening when I was so tired from work and at the same time missing Amma. Seriously, I just wished I listened to the doctor and took a rest at home instead today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Midnight

I dislike it most on nights like this when I'm both physically and mentally tired but my body somehow refuses to fall into deep sleep. It has been years since I slept soundly naturally without the help of medications, be it the muscle relaxants or mild sleeping pills given by the panel doctor.

It happened again tonight while driving home, memories of Amma came flooding and I started tearing again. I can still recall Amma's face clearly after she was laid into the casket. During the five days, deep in my heart I was screaming and hoping Amma would open her eyes and come back to life... I couldn't accept it that Amma had left us...

Five and a half months has since past. The pain of losing my beloved grandmother don't seem to cease and it aches me constantly whenever I recall the times we had together, no matter she was still healthy or her last nights when she would open her eyes and her pupils dilated looking right behind us during midnight...

Amma, will you visit me in my dreams again soon..? I really miss hearing your snores beside me which made me feel secured knowing you were still with us... I miss putting on makeup for you and seeing you smiling happily after that... I miss you telling us about your funny stories and laughing happily... I miss every moment we spent together... I sincerely hope you are at a much better place now... Missing you always...

Missing Amma

Amma left us on 21st October 2012, Sunday, at around 1:55pm. I was working in the office when I received the news. Amma took her last breath in the car once she reached the compound of No.6. I guess she had been wanting it all this while...

It has been four weeks plus since Amma left us, and up till today, tears still roll down my cheeks whenever I go through the photos we took together. Amma's strong determination and will power to get through Wei's wedding and receptions will always be remembered among us. The pain of losing Amma is still so strong although we believe she's already at a much better place now... It had been ages ago since I last cried myself to sleep and I have been doing this so much recently... Puffy and swollen eyes to work seems normal nowadays... I just hope I will wake up one day and accept the fact gladly that Amma is at a much better place...

Hopefully, Amma is already reborn in the world of Nirvana...

阿嬷，真的很想念你呢...在另一个个世界过得还好么？想念牵着你的手睡觉、想念你的笑容、想念你诵诗、想念着你的一切一切...只想告诉你，来世若有机会我们再当祖孙好吗？阿嬷，我爱你...

Amma smiling happily after Wei kissed her on the cheek at the end of his wedding reception. Taken on 16th Sep 2012, Hotel Equtorial Melaka.

Wei's Actual Wedding Day

And finally, the day has arrived. Only had one hour of sleep and woke up to prepare to leave for Malacca at six in the morning. Couldn't care much once I got up the car and fell asleep for an hour and became wide awake while physically I was still very tired.

And the moment we had been anticipating finally arrived too. Amma manage to stay alert for a while for the tea ceremony before drifting back to sleep again... Tears were welling up when Amma finally took the tea... At least she is present on her favourite grandson's wedding day... One more wedding reception to go before my heart will settle down by a tiny bit...

The bride and groom serving Amma during the tea ceremony (28th Sep 2012).

Amma

Exactly 9 months ago, it was Wei's ROM. Amma was still in a very good condition at that time. She was still her usual cheerful self who smiles most of the time. Amma managed to climb up to the top of Thean Hou Gong although it was quite tiring for her. This is the photo of Amma after we put her on make up and blowed her hair.

Amma on 25th December 2011, Wei's ROM.

Upon returning from work today, mum told me that this morning when Aunty Mary brought Amma to the toilet, she realised there were two drops of bloodstain on Amma's underwear and when mum called today, Amma sounded very tired...

I miss the days where Amma is suddenly all energetic and talkative... It does freaks me out abit, but if given another chance, I will make sure I keep the active interaction between us at the bottom of my heart and replay the memories given as often as possible, reminiscing the good times we had together as grandmother and granddaughter...

Amma together with Dad & Mum at Arenaa De Luxe Hotel Lobby on 17th September 2012.

Amma (Melacca)

Wei's Melacca reception was on 16th September 2012, Sunday. I was the emcee together with Sheau Ying's boyfriend, Ryan. Things went relatively smooth throughout the wedding banquet besides the champagne popping part.

Apparently granny cried during the dinner... All of us felt so sad, SuLin and I went to the ladies and cried. We know that the time is coming very soon, but all of us seems so reluctant to let granny go. She is the best granny I can ever ask for. No complaints when her children and grandchildren does not treat her well enough. No complaints although the she was already in pain. No complaints even though we can see that her situation seems to be worsening. She is the best elder one to take care of...

Amma, I really love you so much... but I'm so scared to hear your weak voice over the telephone... I am still coming to terms that life is about birth, age, sickness and death...

Lunch at 北棧 the next day after the Melacca reception.